


Mercy Bled onto Us

by Cas_203



Category: One Direction, One Direction (Band)
Genre: And Girls Can Like Girls And Boys, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Boys Can Like Boys And Girls, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Coming Out, Emotional Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Leukaemia, M/M, Mentioned/Implied suicide attempts, Modest! Management, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Protective Harry, Protective Liam, Protective Louis, Protective Niall, Protective Zayn, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Underage - Freeform, Underage Rape/Non-con, chemo - Freeform, closeting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 06:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12102318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_203/pseuds/Cas_203
Summary: Previously titled Bloody Shards and Tainted Minds.---------------------------"I don't want anyone to love me,"He whipped  his head around to look at her, at the tear tracks dried on her face and at her lips bitten red. It hit him that she was nearly four years younger than him and a hundred times more wronged than him, and he thought his world was ending as he asked, "Why?"She fiddled with her fingers (with the ring he gave her, a broken promise of never letting her hurt again), "'Cause I'll ruin them; taint then with my dirt and kill them with my past."----------------------------Or: What would've happened if One Direction didn't just consist of five boys, but also a thirteen-year-girl whose idea of home consisted of crescendos filled with trepidation and lividly whispered anger?//ON HIATUS//





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, take care of yourselves. Read the tags, and if I miss any, please let me know. Your safety is so important I can't even put it into words.
> 
> Disclaimer for the whole story: I don't own One Direction or anything affiliated with them, I only own Mercy and some management people and some fans and Mercy's family that I've made up in this story. Thanks, love y'all.

_"Don't lay around like that, acting like a useless bitch_ _!"_

She had been six, and the words had been spoken by her father- she'd been home sick with a stomach bug that day.

_"Honestly, Mercy, why do you embarrass your father and I so much? It's like we mean nothing to you."_

She had been nine, and had gotten eighty percent on her math test.

_"The hell you just ask me for, girl? Repeat that, I dare you."_

She had been eleven, her mother had died four days ago from cancer (she'd always thought the alcohol would kill her first, but it seemed like God had other plans), and she'd had to ask her dad for pads. 

She didn't repeat her question.

_"Now, you're goin' on this show 'cause I'm letting you, ya hear? You're gonna make some money and you're gonna repay me for everything I've done for you."_

She had been freshly thirteen, going on The X Factor. She'd been terrified of all the lights and people, but even more terrified of her fathers disappointment and disapproval.

_"I want to put you...into a group."_

When Simom Cowell had said those words, she hadn't been terrified because all her band mates were boys and older than her, nope- why would she be? Not like she'd had so many bad experiences with a guy (with her father) nearly all her life that she sometimes couldn't help but shiver at a guys' touch.

  _"So guys, two weeks since being put together, what's one thing you've all realised? Louis?"_

_"Guess we're all gonna have to protect this little one here, she's quite innocent- and give her a British accent so she doesn't stand out!"_

Innocent. She'd cried a little bit in the green room, after that interview, and she'd let the boys think she was a little bit homesick, maybe. Innocent. Such a false term to lay on a girl as tainted as her.

 _"Mercy, you got this. We got this. We're gonna kill this this thing, alright? And remember, you get to go spend_   _some_ _time at home with your dad after this."_

Zayn had meant well, she knew that. But his words had been the reason she fumbled with hers on stage that night, and the fact that she fumbled with her words was probably what prevented them from winning, and the fact that she prevented them from winning was what caused her to go home to a livid father with thousands of bottles of her mistakes broken open in his mind, the shards shooting out of his toungue to cut her open with.

_"Are you alright, Mercy? Ever since you went home after we found out we were getting signed you've been...withdrawn, I guess?"_

And she hadn't said no, or tried denying it. She'd just shrugged her shoulders, pulled Niall's jacket (one he'd draped over when she fell asleep first, probably) closer over her body, accidently kicked her feet onto Harry's seat in front of her, apologised to him, and just turned her head into Liam's shoulder because, well, she trusted these boys now. And she knew they trusted her enough to not expect her to lie, so she didn't say no.

That wasn't the first sign, but it was the first one they caught.

 

 

 


	2. Don't Wanna Be Known For This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go, guys. The second chapter. Or first, considering the last one was a sort of prologue.
> 
> By the way, I don't own One Direction- I assume me meeting them wouldn't still be an impossible dream, if I did.

_Oh, god, that's a lotta people._

__

 

"Oh, God, that's a lotta people. Oh my frickin' pineapples," Mercy breathed the words out, ignoring the short, nervous laugh Niall let loose at her words- he was equally as scared of crowds as she was, she knew. 

 

"It's crazy, isn't it? How many people come to see us, and, like, how much they like us?" Harry's voice drawled in front of her(his head turned towards the back to see the rest of them) and she leaned ahead to bop him on his nose just because she could. She was a bit hard to figure out sometimes, Liam said. Mercy just thought that since she was 'The Baby' of the band, she might as well live up to her name.

 

Louis, of course, decided that nose bopping his precious baby was too cruel and trapped her hand in his "Oi! Don't attack my boyfriend or we'll have to have some words, you and I. And, also, babe, I'm just gonna go ahead and ignore the fact that you used two different types of 'like' in the same sentence there,"

 

Oh, yeah. The fact that Harry and Louis were a thing was a thing, and had been since the day they lost The X Factor. They'd literally just walked into the living room where everyone had been sat, mourning the loss of the win but celebrating the fact they were getting signed tomorrow, and kissed eachother's faces off.

 

Mercy had to leave the room, when that happened. With everything at home, affection like that just made her uncomfortable sometimes; when Louis later asked if she was alright with it she'd just joked around, saying that not any teenager wanted to see someone make out before they had made out themselves.

 

"Right!" James- they're temporary  (and slightly intimidating) bodyguard- opened the door, letting ear-splitting screams fill the cramped van and distrupt her train of thought, "Harry, Zayn, Mercy, Louis, Niall, Liam- that's the order you're going to exit in. You haven't got time for autographs or selfies- interview's in fifteen minutes. Let's go, c'mon boys and Mercy!"

 

So Mercy glanced at the other boys', giving them all a thumbs up and them returning it (that was another thing) and she stood, waiting for Harry and Zayn to exit the van, and she froze.

 

James looked at her with an expectant raise of his eyebrows, "Mercy, you're next, go on- claustrophobia should be nothing when you've got a lot of teenage boys waiting for your beautiful self to ease their fantasies outside. Unlike the boys, I'm sure it'll be alright for you to give out a hug or two," and that was just- it was the wrong thing to say. It was the wrong thing to say because her mind was conjuring up images of her dad going through her phone, finding her texts to that boy Micheal she'd like, him promising to teach her a lesson, him pushing her down, him gagging her mouth him making her open her eyes him saying these dirty things him takin-

 

"What the hell, mate? Who says that to a thirteen year old girl?" It was Liam's hand on her back, she realised, that was pushing her gently out the door and into the sea of people waiting to throttle her outside. She was too far in her mind to later remember whether it had been Niall or Louis who'd blown up at the guard, Niall or Louis who'd pushed him against a wall.

It seemed to take an eternity to get inside the double doors of the radio station, and she'd been flinching the whole time. Liam's left hand moved into her right while his right reached up and gripped her shoulder reassuringly as their fans tried their best to grab their attention, some even managing to break free of the human barrier security had made and attempting to rush up to them.

 

When they  _did_ get inside, she pushed off Liam as if he were some sort of disease and not the person who'd probably saved her from getting trampled on.

"Mecry! Merc!"

She ignored his footsteps following her as she walked quickly across the corridors, trying to find their dressing room. It was nowhere in sight, and she turned to the flights of stairs at the end, waking up them. Liam was quite now, just murmured a 'it's the second floor' when they reached it. 

When the girl found the room, she walked in surprisingly calm (even holding the doors open for Liam who looked at her as if he was trying to figure out what to say) and promptly burst into tears while she flung herself at Zayn, who- with Harry- had turned to watch their entrance with a bewildered expression on his face.

 

Mercy could hear Liam explaining what had happened in the van to the boys, and she could feel Zayn's grip steadily tightening around her blood-red sweatshirt as she sobbed out sentences like  _'what if that's the only reason people like me, that I'm a girl?'_ or _"I don't wanna be known for that kinda thing, Zee, I don't,"._ Mercy also heard Niall and Louis come into the room, Niall joining the hug along with Liam and Harry and Louis. Louis somehow managed to get closest to her, and he bent his head to whisper in her ear,

 

_"He had no right to speak to you like that, love. Hey, don't go shaking your head at me, because he didn't. He's fired, and so will anyone else who says a word against you be. You're so much more than just a girl, Merc, just as I'm so much more than just a guy. You're a singer with a beautiful voice, you're an unbelievably selfless human being who can't leave any Tesco's without donating two pounds to a Dog charity, you're a funny American with a penchant for doing horrible British imitations just to cheer us up when we're sad, and you're our **sister**."_

 

Mercy would remember Louis's words the last time her Father would touch her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY. THAT'S OVER.  
> How'd you like it? What do you think is gonna happen next? Anything you particularly want to happen or be touched upon a bit more? I have this planned out, really, but I'm open to incorporating some of your ideas into this- I think I'd enjoy it!
> 
> Also, are you guys okay with me posting frequently with chapters like this, or would you rather I take longer in between chapters to write, like, longer ones?


	3. Painted Pain on Panicked people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kids like her don't catch a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own One Direction or anything affiliated with them; just a normal girl, trying to entertain myself and y'all.

"And we are live with one of the fastest growing boy-slash-girl band in the history of bands! One Direction, how are you?" Charlie, the interviewer, looked at the group with a smile on his face. He looked nice enough, but it wasn't like Mercy didn't know the things running through his mind.

Once she'd calmed down enough to down a glass of water, Mercy and they boys had been ussured into the changing rooms, not having a chance to talk since boys and girls were- obviously- separate. The changing rooms were a place they had to feel comfortable walking around half-naked in while the stylists decided what to style you in, is what Harry had once described it as.

Mercy couldn't stop it with the puns.

Now, they were seated in the studio, live and real (or so everyone was lead to believe- nearly nothing about them was real).

"We're alright, thanks. How are you?" Harry, like his usual self, was the kindest person he could possibly be. She knew, though, that he- and everyone else- was still shook up from her....incident earlier on.

"I'm perfectly well, thank you! Now, guys, I wanted to start with a couple of questions, if that's alright? What happened outside? Twitter's been blowing up about the commotion, saying you guys got in a fight, or something?"

So the lies began.

\-------

After the interview had finished, and a cover of Torn, the boys and Mercy went back to their hotel for the night. On the ride back home, the atmosphere was fairly tense. Nobody mentioned the lack of a bodyguard or the soft  _pings_ of their phones going off; they were signalling mentions and tweets regarding video of the incident that had, somehow, been leaked.

"So, that was eventful, wasn't it?" Niall's voice broke them all of their reverie, and Mercy watched as the tension seemed to disappear at his soft smile and words.

"Definitely one for the papers, yeah? Management's gonna have a field day with this," Louis whispered the words, trying not to wake up Harry (who currently had his head rested on Louis' shoulder and was fast asleep).

Then, because Mercy knew they probably wanted to know if she  was okay since they were secretly all grandmas, she pumped her fist in the air and- opening it- threw the whole untouched contents of the Gummy Bears she had in her lap all over the van.

"Oi, mates! Innit?" And she grinned right in Liam's face, waiting for the words to inevitably come,

"Vas Happening!" Zayn always backed up her crazy moments, and she was glad.

She also knew that they both probably deserved the jackets thrown in their faces.

\------- 1 hour filled with lame jokes, fake scolding and 'Lima Cuddles' later-------

"Come in, it's not locked, Mercy!"

Harry sounded nothing like the bundle of death he had looked like when they checked into their rooms, and as Mercy walked in she wasn't surprised to see him sprawled on top of Louis as he switched off the tv that had probably been playing some seventies movie.

Harry liked to snuggle.

"Oi! Don't post that picture anywhere, love, or the bosses are going to be pissed. I don't even know  _why_ you're taking a picture of us, anyways," Louis' tone was playful, but she could detect the hint of worry that seeped through, so Mercy shit her phone and put it in her back pocket.

"You're cute... And cuddly," Mercy moved from where she was stood near the doorway and flopped onto Louis' other side, ignoring his half hearted protest and words of ' _Jesus Christ are you guys trying to squash me to death?'_ And Harry's  _'why'd you choose him, Mercy? I though we were best friends!'_

"What they're starting to do to you, 's not right. You can't choose who you love or who you don't." Mercy had whispered the words, yet the room seemed to reverberate with them.

Managment had been separating the couple often, pulling them into meetings and telling them to  _'tone down the gay.'_ Everyone knew that it was happening, but Mercy was the first to mention it.

Neither of the boys said anything, and she looked at Harry to see him smile, frown, and smile again- he was hurting bad. Louis? He just let his eyes crinkle with a look of pure fond as he nodded.

"Some people, they don't get that. They don't understand, I guess," Harry sat up, crossed his legs, and looked at the sheets as if were a puzzle to put together piece by piece.

"Bull. Shit," Two sets of eyes turned to her- Mercy usually had the mouth of an angel around them, but she had been around her dad too long to come away with not swearing, "I'm like, not even doing my GCSE's yet and I can understand. How can they not, being grown men and women with probably years of knowledge on their shoulders?" It's a question that can't be answered, she knows that, but at the same time, _she_ _needs it to be._

"What's so wrong if you love eachother and you're both boys or if I love a pineapple or- or another girl, even?" Mercy knew where she was going with this, and she also knew why.

Her whole life, her dad had hated her, beaten her and done unspeakable things to her. Her whole life, he'd been telling her what's right and what's wrong so Mercy grew up believing that she was  _wrong_ until Louis and Harry came along, with their inside jokes and cuddles and hand-holding and soft kisses, and she started thinking that maybe it was the opposite. Maybe, it was her dad that was wrong.

Whatever the answer whichever God that ruled the universe had decided it to be, Mercy knew that out of anyone and everyone she could trust these boys with... Well, her.

"...Mercy? Where are you going with this, darling?" Louis had propped himself on his elbows, and she had squashed down the urge to freak out because they were two guys' faces looming over her- they were her brothers.

So she breathed in, and she contemplated getting up from where she was lying on Louis stomach but decided that would take too much time and make things awkward and-                   

"Ikindamaybedefinitelylikebothgirlsandboys," her voice came out in a breathless whisper, but they heard her. They always heard her.

"Oh, okay. Well, I feel honoured that you trusted me- us- with this. Welcome to the wallflowers." Harry had smiled at her and suddenly she was being hugged from both sides... And even though her mind was filled with a never ending chain of the word ' _dirty, dirty, dirty'_ she didn't pull away.

Mercy couldn't choose who she loved, and that's why it was alright that she didn't love her father.

_Ding!_

When Mercy struggled free of the hug to get her phone, though, her joy at being accepted was replaced with cold blooded fear as she slipped a mask onto her face.

_Saw the vid floating around on the_ _internet, baby. Gotta say im not proud of the fact I can see that Li-something kid had his hand on your back when you went outta the van. That desperate for another lesson, girl?_

_-Dad._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, guys, for continuing to give this a chance. As always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.
> 
> I know I said I'd try to make the chapters longer, so I'm really sorry about that. Actually, I wrote this all in one go today. 
> 
> I've just had a lotta shit going on at home, told a teacher about like, abuse going on at home 'cause my little brother was getting affected and now my minds been kinda all over the place- can't seem to sleep either. I'll try to keep on top of updating but there's gonna be a lot of stuff going on, like social services and interviews and stuff, so no promises.
> 
>  
> 
> Love y'all, thanks x


	4. Fire Through the Cracks of her Facade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mercy hadn't answered her door, and Louis still can't decide if he really wanted to know why.
> 
> Screw that; of course he did.

Louis:

He remembers it, when he realised that something was going on. He can pinpoint the exact moment that he promised himself to protect this girl from anything and everything that came at her, even if that cost him something himself.

You see, it had been after the X factor, and everyone was staying at Harry's stepdad's bungalow for the second time. Janet, one of the nicest people on management, had been with them. Since she would act as Mercy's 'guardian person' until they actually got a tour manager, Mercy had been able to come as well.

Louis had thought Mercy was cool.

Yes, as Mercy always says, he did and does sometimes coddle her a bit too much- he has, like, a hundred younger sisters though, so sue him.

Anyways, they were at the bungalow; they went swimming where he learnt that Zayn didn't know how to and they tried to put plastic in the bonfire where he learnt that Liam was a total dad and they had an impromptu karaoke session where he learnt that Niall was awesome at the guitar and Harry was surprising unbelievable at singing rock songs and also kind of cute and Mercy had an obsession with Twenty one Pilots- a virtually unheard of band.

Later on the same night at about three a.m, Louis was walking up to his temporary room when he saw the light in Mercy's was open, and he'd knocked.

Mercy hadn't answered.

To this day, Louis's not sure whether or not he's glad that he decided to check in on her.

_Screw that. Of course I'm glad_ _._

And Louis had gone in, expecting to find her passed out over some book or school-work she'd been working too hard over, and instead found her crying over a picture frame on her pillow. He'd sat down with her, he'd tried to get her to talk, but she just kept repeating six words. 

_"Love, what's going on?" Louis was panicking, and rightfully so- the younger girl's face was red and her breath was coming out in short gasps. Thinking quickly and trying to smooth over any signs of panic in his face, Louis grabbed her hand from where it was covering her own mouth and put it in between them, on the blanket._

_"Mercy, you gotta breathe with me, yeah? You're gonna make yourself sick like this. Just breathe with me, okay?" No matter how hard he tried, Louis couldn't keep the tremor out of his voice. Mercy had been fine a few hours ago- cheerful, even, when she'd gone to bed at one. Right now, she was distraught._

_"She's... She **died.** She  **died** and he didn't care, he didn't care," Mercy's words stumbled past her lips as if they were bolts of lightning, not giving herself time to form them correctly as she unloaded. Louis was confused, his head spinning as he tried to understand what she meant until his eyes spotted the phone she clutched in her hand._

_He didn't know that what he found on there would change his life, so he didn't hesitate to pry it from her fingers and click the home button to turn it on._

There had been a text, on the phone. He couldn't recall it exactly now, but it was something along the lines of 'So what if your mom died last year? You gotta learn to grow up and deal with shit.' He couldn't see who it was from, and Mercy had said that a stupid cousin had sent it...

But she didn't have any cousins.

After a few months, when Mercy tells Harry and him about not being as straight as everyone thought her to be, when she freezes while reading something on her phone and gets herself extremely ill the next day, Louis's senses go on overdrive.

He should've known something was wrong from the start.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, there you have it. This wasn't really a 'chapter' chapter, I guess, but just kind of a teaser over stuff that's gonna happen. I wanted to kinda let you see in Louis' head a bit and see maybe why he and Mercy have such a close bond- Louis always subconsciously knew something was going on, he has younger siblings himself, and Mercy craves the kindness and protectiveness that she pretends to hate.
> 
> If you want, I can do mini stuff like this for the rest of the boys? Lemme know, opinions are awesome.
> 
> As I always seem to do this now, this was written while I was more than a little sleep deprive so. Sorry if it's shitty, I'll appreciate any constructive criticism.
> 
> Love ya, pineapples.


	5. Words were Bullets that Kill her Slowly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was purple, and he was black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya have it, chapter five- I'm proud of this one, hope you are too. Liv, this one is for you. Protective boys and pain, just how I you'll like it.
> 
> This picks up right after chapter 3.

"Uhm, I'm gonna go back to my room. Catch some sleep, yeah?" Mercy's voice didn't betray her as she thought it would, and she pushed herself off the bed and made for the hotel door.

"Wait, Merc!" Harry's voice stopped her in her tracks, and she turned to face him. "Just. I know it's hard, alright? You know we both do, so don't go thinking you're alone or anything of the sort."

His eyes were twinkling with something Mercy couldn't describe, and he had a soft smile on his face. Louis had sat up on the edge and was looking at her as if she was a puzzle he was dying to solve, yet he nodded to what Harry said, "What he said, kid."

Mercy smiled back, trying desperately to hide the tears pooling in her eyes, and she lied right to their faces, " I won't forget."

\--------

She'd thought about it before, an decided that her Mother had been purple- that's something that Mercy had always stood by. Her mother had been purple and her father was black and that's why she was cursed.

Her Mother had been purple; it was a perfect mixed drink of seven parts tragedy and two parts anger with one part of love. She'd drawn ribbons with her sorrow and she had lashed them at the wall in an attempt to break them, and it just so happened to be that Mercy had been the nearest wall.

Her Father was black: a night sky filled with nothing but burnt out stars and freezing crescendos of his childhood, and he hadn't ever tried to break that part of him- he'd embraced it. It made sense in a way, Mercy thought; you can't see anything in the darkness, so how could he have seen himself?

And when black and purple joined to make a color with no name? Then the product is a song. A song filled with no music but silent screams and defeating whispers of hurt, a song filled with nothing but a broken girl born in an already broken life- Mercy had realised that quite early on.

Therefore, that night when Mercy had walked into her room and lain herself under the covers with all the lights turned on, she realised that there was no point in asking herself whether she deserved to cry over the text.

She was damned either way.

\------

"Mercy, you coming down with something?"

It was breakfast the next morning, and Liam was staring at her worryingly. The other boys, all save for Louis (who was looking at her the same way Liam was and _what the goddamn hell was up with him?_ ) were oblivious, and carried on wolfing down their food as they were on a schedule.

They were.

"Mercy? You alright?" If possible, Liam's face had gotten even more worried while he repeated his question, and even Zayn was staring now.

"Yeah, no, I'm cool. Why, what's up?"

"You look a bit flushed, is all, and you feel like you've got a bit of a temperature as well,"

As he spoke, Liam had taken it upon himself to put his hand on her forehead, and Mercy shoved it away with a slightly childish squeak of annoyance, "I'm fine, Lima. It's probably the lack of sleep catching up to me, don't wo-"

"You're ill? Mercy's ill?" It was Niall, now, who took it upon himself to question the youngest member of the band, and she sighed while shaking her head.

"Just a little bit, guys- I'm not gonna pass out or anything, alright? Harry, back me up here!" Truth was, Mercy was feeling horrible; her head was throbbing and her arms and eggs felt like they were stuffed with lead, but she didn't want the others to see that and coddle her even more than they already did. Harry hadn't been paying attention to the conversation though, so the girl was hoping he'd say that she was right and everyone would let go of the matter, but then,

"Nope. Lou's the oldest, what he says goes, kids," and he ignored the indignant cries of _'you're the second youngest person here, Harry!'_ from Niall And _'who you calling kid, kid?'_ from Zayn.

"Thank you, darling. At least someone appreciates my superiority here," Louis had glanced at all of them, his chin jutted up, and everyone pretended to not notice the way Harry's cheeks tinted pink as he squeezed his hand before letting him continue, "and my verdict is: Mercy?"

Mercy glanced up at him, thinking that at least he wasn't acting weirdly anymore before nodding, "Yeah?"

"Bed. Blankets. Medicine. Now. Or els. That slight temperature is gonna turn into a big one if you don't tackle it now."

\-------

Mercy couldn't blame Louis for saying that, nor could she blame Liam for mentioning it in the first place. They were worried about her, and they showed it in a normal way.

It was just that she wasn't normal.

And it was just the way he had said it, it had made her think of worse things.

_"Bed."_

Making her think it was an order, a  _warning,_ instead of a genuine plea filled with concern.

_"Now."_

Making her think that she didn't have a choice in he matter, that he wasn't just asking.

_"Or else."_

Making her think that she would be in genuine danger if she didn't comply, making her think he was reminding her of what could happen instead of lightening up the situation by joking around.

But no, Mercy decided that she couldn't blame them as she stuggled with the key to her hotel room. They didn't know, and they never would.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly really sorry. Although nothing too major happened in this chapter it was hard to write, cause I guess I get what it's like to hide feelings like Mercy is and know that no one knows, y'know? I also personally am quite glad of how this was written up, calm yet still climatic (or anti-climatic?)
> 
> Lemme know your thoughts, my pineapples- I'd appreciate them.
> 
> And, like I always say, any PoV or anything you particularly wanna see, let me know.


	6. She Shakes like she's on Novocaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was nothing she could do to stop them, despite the fact that she was already six foot under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liv, thank you so much for the suggestions you left last chapter- it fit perfectly.
> 
> This one is gonna be heavy guys, sit tight and maybe re-read the tags? It was really hard to write, simply because of the fact that there are people out there my age and younger who do actually go through things similar to this. If you have or are, I want you to know that you have me in your corner- I don't understand exactly, but I understand what it's like to be afraid to tell someone when you're hurting.
> 
>  
> 
> Just so you know, this is set in 2011 by now. They're doing promo for their upcoming first album in the US.
> 
> ( I know it might not all be accurate but I needed stuff to fit with the story, love y'all).
> 
> (I don't know if the Mary-Elizabeth is a real place, either, so any correlations were unintentional.)
> 
> I'm excited to hear back for this one, it was written in about one or two hours and is the longest one yet.

 

* * *

"Mercy!"

She woke up groggily, only to be greeted by five terrified faces staring down at her. She tried to speak, but all that came out was a pained groan.

Her body felt like it was on fire.

"Niall, draw a cold bath. Liam, you go get a bucket of ice from somewhere. Quickly!" Zayn was the one shouting, and Mercy registered that much, but the volume of his voice sent spikes of ice shooting into her brain and she reached her arm out blindly to squeeze his- it was a non verbal plea to  _stop talking._  

"Sorry, babes. You're gonna get-"

"Shouldn't we call an ambulance? I'm gonna call an ambulance," Harry's frantic voice cut off Zayn's and she saw Louis nod in her peripheral, and then saw him come to the other side of the bed to pull her up.

Pathetically (or so Mercy thought), she let herself be manhandled and only managed to let out a mumbled 'wha's goin' on?' as soon as she realised she was upright; Louis was supporting most of her weight.

"You've got a really high fever, Mercy. Thirty nine degrees, and that's about one hundred and four degrees Fahrenheit? We gotta cool you down befor-"

"What Zayn means to say is that you're a little more ill than you should be, but you're gonna be just fine," Louis cutting Zayn off caused her to open her eyes (when had she closed them?) because they  _needed to stop cutting Zayn off._ Although before she could, her body apparently decided that she'd had enough.

She fell to the ground before either boy could catch her.

* * *

 

_"Alright, careful guys. Push her up gently."_

Mercy was in a... Room? It was a sort of box, with four walls and no door. The ceiling had a fan stuck to it, and there was a frayed rope attached to it; the room oozed of trepidation and loss.

_"Can- can one of us ride with her, please? She's got no family close right now, her Dad's all the way in England."_

There was a light, as well. It wasn't a white or yellow light, either. It was red- the bloody kind of red her dad liked.

_"I'm sorry, we need all the space we can get. You guys can catch a cab and come on over to the Mary-Elizabeth hospital, alright? We'll take good care of your friend here."_

Mercy hadn't realised it before, but it was absolutely freezing in the box. Her teeth were chattering as she sunk to the floor and froze... There was something written on the wall.

_"Alright...alright. Zayn, can you call management? I'll get us a taxi,"_

The words carved into the wall brought back such a flood of emotion that Mercy felt like she would drown in it, that the fear and the shame and the anger would sink its claws in her and tear her to tendrils of darkness.

_"Guys, get the ambulance moving- this kid needs help fast!"_

**'you either kill yourself or you die while your still alive.'** It was carved into the stone wall unevenly with grammar mistakes- as if a child had done it, because a child had. She remembered herself then, at age eight, locked in the basement of their new house. She remembered not being able to find a door in the darkness.

_"Yes: Female, age thirteen, fairly malnourished. Her fever's 104.6 and spiking, got her packed in ice packs, but might need more when we get there. Pulse is abnormally fast as well."_

She remembered the knife her dad had thrown down, how he'd said that if she was so desperate for escape then she should do as she pleased. She remembered sitting as she was and holding the knife in blissful moments of indecision before turning to the wall and carving the words out. She remembered grabbing the single stool there and clumsily tying the rope she'd found onto the ceiling fan.

_"Mercy, you need to hang in there, alright? C'mon, we got you."_

She remembered how long she waited for someone to come and tell her she was okay when she knew she wasn't. She remembered standing on the chair, a noose around her neck, before her dad did come down to pull her off. She remembered him screaming things like ' _I deserve better than this!'_ with tears swimming in his eyes, and she remembered being so confused because  _why the hell did he care?_

 

  _"See? Already here- the Doc's gonna take good care of you."_

Mercy remembered wishing she'd been brave enough to step off that chair sooner.

* * *

 When Mercy woke up next, it was in a hospital room and eerily reminiscent of the time in the hotel. All the boys were there, yet- thankfully- they didn't look nearly half as terrified. They looked worse- they looked like they were in pain. Turning her head to Liam (the person who looked the least exhausted and the least likely to blow up in... Something), she opened her mouth to speak, "What-"

"How are you feeling? Alright?" It was Harry.

She nodded, "Yeah, I-"

"You know that you can tell us anything, right?" His voice was slightly frantic, and before she could reply or nod or question why the boys liked cutting people off so much, he continued, "Because we'd believe you. You're like a sister to me- to all of us- and we want you to be safe," His voice cracked in the middle of his sentence, and it wasn't the I'm-seventeen-and-still-going-through-puberty kind of voice crack, it was Harry's I'm-two-seconds-away-from-crying-but-I-can't kind of voice crack. 

"Is this- is this about me getting sick? Because I didn't know, I swear I didn't know it was this bad. And I'm not stupid, guys- I know there are certain things you shouldn't hide from people." She was confused as hell, and Mercy bet that it was written all over her face. She looked around the room and saw Niall get up from the chair he was sitting in, she saw Zayn wordlessly hand him- was that her phone?- from where he was leaning against the wall, she heard Liam go, "Take it easy, Ni." and she saw Louis shut his eyes and turn away, bringing up his hand to move through his hair.

"You know there are certain things you shouldn't hide from people?" Niall laughed lightly, but it sounded jaded and worn, "Merc, I'm sorry, but I can't believe that. You know there are certain things you shouldn't hide from people, yeah? Then explain this," he handed her the phone, and in an action completely contradicting the angry tone of his words he squeezed her arm in reassurance.

"Niall? What're you-"

"Just read it, babes," Zayn moved from the wall and came to stand closer, and his words were soft- soft as if he expected her to break,"Just read it."

Mercy glanced around the room again and found five faces staring at her, their eyes all red-rimmed, and she saw a nurse make as if to come into her room then apparently think better of it, and then she clicked open her phone and immediately wished she hadn't:

_You better reply to my messages, or you're gonna have more people than just me to please with that mouth and body of yours next time you come home, girl._

_-Dad._

  _Oh god, they knew._

Mercy heard someone's breath catch before realising it was her own, and she tried desperately to open her mouth or raise her head and say something, but she couldn't because  _they knew._

She barely registered the tears that landed on the still open screen, although she flinched as Niall grabbed the phone back and saw him freeze, as if seeing something he hadn't seen before. She didn't hear Louis' footsteps and flinched again when she saw he was standing next to her hospital bed  _because they fucking knew._

"I- I don't- it's not what it looks like. It's- It's nothing like what it looks like," When she finally freed her thoughts and the shards of glass imbedded inside of her throat loosened just enough that she could move her head to stare at the boys, she spoke as if the words were meant more for her than them, "Lou, Niall, it's not what it looks like, I swear, I swear, I  _swear,"_ A small part of her realised that pleading with them would do nothing, because  _they already knew,_ but a bigger part of her needed to do all it could to make them not know, because if they did than all of her façade would come apart and she wouldn't be able to pretend anymore.

"Mercy, listen to me- are you listening? None of this, absolutely nothing that might've happened with you and you're father, none of it is you're fault," Liam's voice shook with every syllable he forced out, and he lightly shrugged past Harry (who was sitting on a chair on her right, not saying a word) to kneel beside her, grabbing her hand and squeezing lightly as she tried to pull away from the contact, keeping his gaze steady as if to say ' _you're not scaring me off, Merc,'_ as he spoke, "This was something that never should have happened, because any man who loves his daughter would  _never ever_ do anything that you're father might've done,"

"And I'm-" it was Niall now, whispering the words as if it were a secret between the six of them and mercifully ignoring how Mercy shook with her tears as if she were on novocaine, "I'm sorry, Merc. I get why you didn't tell anyone, alright? But we can't let this go- were gonna get you outta that hell hole and somewhere safe if it's the last thing we do." He spoke the words definitely, leaving no room for argument.

Mercy, despite all the warnings inside her mind and the years of poison she'd been fed trying to persuade her not to, listened to him. She saw them look at her with an indescribable amount of love that scared her yet made her feel safe at the time, and she realised that there was nothing she could do to stop them from trying to help her even though she was alright six foot under.

She shakily smiled something that was probably nothing close to a smile, and hoped that it was enough to let them know that she loved them, too; then she fell into Niall's arms and let every piece of grief inside of her leak out.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I know that, if you're as attached to Mercy as I am now, this must've hurt like hell. I am seriously so sorry.
> 
> Let me know what you thought, maybe your favorite parts or anything I could improve on? Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


	7. She's a Firing Range for Injustice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hits just kept on coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, unfortunately, deals with more heart ache and uncomfortable talks. Take care, like always.
> 
> I am in no way an expert in any medical field (Dude, I'm fourteen...in a month) so I'm sorry for any inaccuracies- Google, House and The Good Doctor (such an awesome show) were my best friends for this.
> 
> Picks up right where the last chapter ended.

"I'm sorry, but I actually need to look over and talk to my patient here, now," The soft, female voice startled everyone in the room, with Mercy visibly moving into her bed and wiping at her eyes, "Her acting guardian- your tour manager Paul, I believe- arrived."

"Right, yes, of course. Do we- should we leave?" Liam stood up, and his hands were shaking slightly; right now, even he couldn't fake nonchalance.

"That would usually be the case, but I think that, because of certain... Revelations, and since your father isn't here, Mercy," and here the Doctor paused, and Mercy was sure that her trained eyes clearly noticed the sharp inhale Mercy took and the subtle winces on the boys' faces. She obviously found it troubling, but carried on anyways, "It would be highly beneficial for you to have someone here with you. Paul said that he was sure you'd rather have one of the boys present? Only if they're above eighteen though- sorry boys. "

_Revelations? What if she knows about..._ The thought ran fast in Mercy's head, but she forced herself to dismiss it. The boys wouldn't tell anyone yet- they wouldn't. She thought about who she would best like to stay, and our of the two that could her mind sought up Louis instantly. Although Zayn seemed the most collected, (surprisingly), she was still shaky, and Zayn would push. Louis, however, always seemed to know when to not.

"Uhm, Lou can stay, if he wants? She posed it as a question, and for the first time since she woke up Louis looked into her eyes and gave a soft smile; he was reassuring her like he always did.

"Of course- the rest of you kids, out!"

* * *

"Right, Mercy. I'm Dr. Kashi, and I was the one who looked you over when you came in- high temperature and heart rate, but we managed to bring that down and you'll be able to get home today," Dr. Kashi spoke to Mercy with a smile that she didn't return, because, if she was alright now, why had the Dr. told her she'd want someone to stay? 

She opened her mouth to ask that, but Louis was already there, "With all due respect, Doctor, why would you need to empty the room and ask someone to stay with her just so you could give her a clean bill of health?" 

"Well, uhm, we performed some blood tests while you were unconscious, Mercy," She paused, Mercy realised two things. One: she appreciated how everything concerning her was said to her, and two: she was officially terrified. Mercy was pulled out of her head while the Dr. Kashi continued, "And, Mercy, we found you had an abnormal white blood cell count. Your also seem to have swollen lymph nodes, which a nurse noticed."

_Oh, hell no. No, no, no._ Mercy had seen enough medical tv shows to understand what the her Dovtor was getting at, and she turned away in an attempt to hide her panic. Louis was there and he saw, though, so he lifted his hand and placed it right next to hers, leaving the decision of whether or not to allow them to touch to her.

She let her hand squeeze his, her denial an insecurities no doubt seeping into his skin and being mirrored in his mind. 

"That means cancer, right?" It was her who spoke, now, and Mercy ignored the way that Louis squeezed her hand tighter when her voice cracked.

"It could, yes, but we want to be completely sure. Your guardian has signed off on this, and I'd like to do a bone marrow aspiration to be sure," the Doctor's eyes were soft, and she walked closer to Mercy, "I want to tell you that cancer isn't as deadly as it seems, Mercy. Caught at the right time, most people almost instantly recover."

"Yeah, you can do it," the _I'm not most people_ went unsaid, and Mercy continued, "Lou, d'you think you can go for this?" 

"Yeah, yeah, of course, love. We'll be waiting outside." He squeezed her hand again, and then Mercy was left alone with a stranger, a needle, and the possibility of a life-changing diagnosis.

It sounded like a start of the end of a bad joke.

* * *

 

_Harry:_

"What do we do now? What if she's dying?" Harry's voice was filled with anxiety he'd never learnt to master, and before anyone could finish with their reassurance he went on, "Guys, Paul, we have to do something. There's no way we're letting her go back to her father, right? We can't do that, you need- we need to do something, al-"

"Haz, baby, we're not letting that happen," Louis was the one who spoke, having entered the private waiting room looking slightly more disheveled than all of the others combined. Harry immediately strode up to and into him, effectively giving them both what they'd needed since this whole fiasco had started as he laid his head on Louis's shoulder, breathlessly whispering in his neck, "You don't know that,"

Harry felt Louis shudder, and he heard him speak the two words with a tremor that ran across the two of them and was so loud that he thought the whole carpet could break with the intensity of it, "I do. Now, can you stop being an idiot by worrying about things we can't change and breathe?" At the question, his tone had changed from determined and firm to fond and concerned, and Harry listened, letting his breaths match his as everyone in the room went silent. 

"What did the Doctor say?" After a few moments of silence and after Harry had walked away from the edge of his panic attack, Paul asked the question even he had been dying to know. Harry stepped away from Louis, and saw him brace himself- whatever went on in the room, it was bad.

"Sane thing he said to you," And immediately Harty turned to look at Paul- he'd said he hadn't been informed of anything, " They think it might be cancer and- and they're just checking to see if they're right."

The room went silent again, and Harry could literally taste the shock and worry running in everyone's mind because he felt it too. Mercy was his sister, his best friend, and life was being so goddamn unfair that he-

"Fricking goddamn shit!" He would have found Zayn's choice of words amusing at any other times, but honestly? Harry was scared of the way he sent a chair flying back. "She doesn't fucking deserve this shit, she's thirteen for christ's sake! What next, she's gonn drop dead in front of our eyes?" Zayn was angry, and he was upset and acting in a way he normally wouldn't, but his choice of words were-

"Zayn, stop! Just, don't, okay? We're all upset, of course we are, but we need to... It's Mercy, boys, and the way it is right now she hasn't got many people in her corner- we need to keep strong for her." It was Niall who spoke, and the way tears started flowing down his cheeks didn't surprise anyone. 

_We're all falling apart. How do we stay strong for her while barely holding ourselves together?_ Harry's words were left unsaid in that moment, but would later be whispered into a kiss filled with passion and softness and anger and love and an urge to just  _let go and forget, just for a moment._

"No." Liam stood up from the plastic chair he'd been sat in, crushing the cardboard cup in his hands, "Zayn's right. When will the hits stop coming? When will she actually, honest-to-goodness, be safe and happy and well?"

No one replied, because it was Liam asking the questions... And Liam was meant to be the one with all the answers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise! I honestly, like always, am so sorry.
> 
> Lemme know what you guys think, my Pineapples.


	8. Precipice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first call came a day after she'd been discharged.

The first call came a day after she'd been discharged.

The first call came, and it didn't hold anything significant except someone telling her that Simon Cowell had arranged a meeting with her- and although usually meetings with him held negative connotations, leaving the hotel and the five cosseting yet studious boys it inhabited had Mercy breathing a sigh of relief.

The first piece of information came at the meeting.

The first piece of information came at the meeting, and it was filled with words Mercy had thought would never go together- " _You"_ and " _social services", "Father"_ and  _"Restraining order, maybe jail",_ _"Temporary Guardian"_ and  _"Louis Tomlinson"._

Mercy didn't hear any of it,  _couldn't_ hear any of it over the steady thrum of her heartbeat, and she didn't understand until herself and the boys were shipped off back to England, their tour put on hold, and she realised that she was standing in Louis's apartment.

\-------

_"This is- this is real?" Her voice came out raspy from disuse as she stared at the mirror in the hallway and realised that she looked a mess. Mercy was clad in black skinny jeans along with an oversized pink sweater and knee-high boots. Her normally straight black hair was tangled in messy curls just below her shoulder, and her olive skin was flushed. She flinched involuntarily as Louis's hand came up as if to touch her arm._

_"This is real," there was pain in Louis's voice as he realised what she needed and took a step back; he was giving her space."This is real. You're out, and you're never going back, Merc."_

_"But," Mercy felt the tears of her frustration build up and determinedly blinked them away, "Why me? Why do this for me?"_

_He didn't answer for a minute. And then, "If the roles were reversed, if you were eighteen year old Mercy Carter and I was thirteen year old Louis Tomlinson who had an abusive single dad raising him and a possible diagnosis of cancer looming over his head, what would you do?"_

_"I'd let him decide what he wants to happen." The words came out of the girls mouth as if she were being choked, and she half-expected Louisto flounder._

_He didn't miss a beat._

_"Then, what do you want to happen, Love?" The words were said softly._

_"I want... I think I just want this to end," As Mercy spoke she felt her heart pull because it felt- to her- wrong to admit to wanting something, to needing something. It felt weak, and she didn't even know why she said it or what she meant, but Louis nodded as if he understood._

_"Then let me help you do that."_

_\-------_

The second call came three days after she'd been discharged.

It came three days after she'd been discharged, but the call wasn't to her. As Mercy's 'acting guardian', Louisherded her medical calls, and when he got that call he threw his phone onto the wall as if it had burnt him. 

When Mercy asked what was wrong he didn't answer for a very long five minutes and eight seconds (She counted- Mercy did that when nervous or scared), until telling her to sit down and confirming what she should have known would inevitably be confirmed.

\------

_"Mercy.." A pause, a squeeze of two hands,  "It was the Doctors in America. They said-" another pause._

_For a moment, their breaths ruled the room, and a man-really-a-boy contemplated the perils of letting a girl-seen-for-too-long-as-a-woman stay standing on the precipice of eternal unknowing, before deeming them too great and proceeding to suck life out of her soul because he thought that 'of course she goddamn deserved to know of her possible death as soon as possible, you bastard!'_

_"They said you have cancer, Mercy. 'Said you have cancer."_

 

 


	9. Throwback to a Year Back (it ain't like I'm sitting here bleedin')

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fuck, girl," His voice was shaky and blatantly weak, yet his attempts at reassurance evident, "We'll kick it in the ass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, my pineapples. How're y'all?
> 
> I'm really sorry for the time it took getting this up, it just took me a while to figure some things out and be happy with it- I hope you like it!

"...They're sure?" Mercy let herself speak the words, keeping her eyes trained on the chipped black painted on her nails. It's been three days since she had started to stay with Louis, but the walls she shed start to come out again without asking- she doesn't let herself break, though.

"Mercy," Louis whispered her name like a plea, and she wondered why he seemed o be holding back tears- why did Louis care if Mercy lived or died?

It sounded terrifyingly mechanical, the way Mercy repeated her question, "Are they sure?"

He looked at her for a moment and he stood, and then, just like at the hospital, Louis turned his back to her and passed a hand through his hair.

That's enough of an answer.

Mercy stood as well, suddenly realising the things that seemed to be too  _loud:_ the picture of Louis standing there with hesitance and something else etched into him; the stark white table separating them with a brightness that hurt her eyes; the open back windows showing overgrown verdure.  _It was all too loud._

Mercy didn't notice Louis telling her to not leave as she strode to her room, and maybe it was because he didn't say a word. She'll realise hours later that it was the first time she was allowed to leave in the middle of  a conversation (because that's what her dad would have called it) without being reprimanded or hurt, and she'll smile through her tears.

But she didn't notice that immediately- the loudness reigning in her ears drowned everything out as she let herself slam her door harder than necessary and slip to the floor. She allowed herself to break completely for the first time in years. Sobs wracked her entire body and Mercy wondered why it hurt so much and she wondered if she was gonna die and she wondered if her dad missed her and she wondered if Heaven was real and she wondered if the boys were disappointed in her, somehow.

And for a moment, just a single fleeting moment that passed as quick as it came, Mercy yearned for her Father's voice calling at her to say something utterly stupid like, ' _get over yourself, ain't nothin' happened to you.'_

Eventually, Mercy forced herself to climb onto the bed and breathe through her tears, and she grabbed the phone lying there without knowing what she was looking for until she opened the contacts and found his name staring at her. The thought of him sobered her up enough that she wondered how he was, if he'd gotten a girlfriend or something or if he still remembered her. 

Slowly, as if in scenes from a movie, Mercy saw the past year without any contact with him push past her eyes: moments where she'd pressed ignore to his calls because there would be hell to pay if her Father found out she was talking to him, the time she'd gone to audition at  _'The X Factor'_ and spent days after she got put in the band wondering if he'd been proud or disappointed, the first gig as a band with a record label before which she had spent and hour with their make-up artist arguing that she didn't need to wear unnecessary make-up and she'd emerged victorious, the thought that he would have told her to stick to what she wanted the only thing keeping we going.

If Mercy thought about it normally, she hadn't spared him a single thought. But, sat on her bed and realising that he's been with her everywhere, she knew he deserved to know that she didn't stop being...  _Whatever_ they were willingly.

She pressed the call button.

The dial tone mocked her, and the seconds ticking by without him answering almost made Mercy lose her control again until-

 _"Rave?"_  

_'God, it's been a year and he sounds so much older.'_

"I still don't understand why you call me that, Micheal, I ain't a bird," Mercy forced her voice to sound cheerful, but she knew that if he remembered anything it would have been the sound of her tears.

" _God, Rave, what happened?"_ As he spoke Mercy heard the soft clicking of a door, the soft 'It's Mercy, mum, fuck- I mean, sorry,' and she nearly smiled, before realising who she was talking to and why.

"I- uhm, life? I don't- shit, Michael, I'm sorry," Mercy nearly said something more, but then there were two soft knocks on the door and Louis peeking his head in, his eyes suspiciously red (no doubt he same as hers). He mouthed ' _a friend?'_ and she nodded, although she didn't really know what Michael and her were, at that point.

 _"Life."_ Michael scoffed, " _Yeah, I suppose it's hard to find five minutes to call your best mate when you're on you're way to becoming the biggest band in history,"_

His words somehow caused her to start crying again, even though they weren't particularly harsh. It made sense though, she thinks later, that she was sensitive when she doesn't even know if she'll live 'till fifteen.

"No, no, Mike, it isn't like that," her denial was filled with vehemence, "I promise it wasn't like that, Michael, you're my best friend. I just, I wasn't allowed to talk to you," 

There was silence and the noose around her neck tightening a little more. And then he spoke and she realised why she cared so much about him in the first place.

_"Your Dad."_

"You knew?" As she asked the question there was a voice in her head saying  _'of course he did.'_

 _"Of course I did. Not enough to do anything, but I saw your bruises, Raven,"_ The nickname, Mercy realised, was said to show she was forgiven.

"I don't live with him anymore, at least since the past few days," Mercy felt like she was admitting a crime saying those words, but she kept telling herself that  _it was alright, Michael deserved to know._

 _"Good."_ Some hesitance, and then,  _"There've been rumours, for the past few days. There've also been rumours that you're sick- that that's why you guys cancelled half your showings,"_

Mercy breathed for a moment, forcing her breaths to match those calm ones- always calm, always calm- on the other line of the phone, and she let her words out, "I have... I got cancer, Michael. Just like her."

Michael was silent again and she nearly panicked, but then his voice came through.

 _"Fuck, girl,"_ His voice was shaky and blatantly weak, yet his attempts at reassurance evident, " _We'll kick it in the ass,"_

The fact that the one person who she thought she never deserved to be forgiven by was forgiving her and talking about them as one again? It did something to Mercy's heart. Then, suddenly, there were two teenage messes cities away from eachother sobbing into pillows and lost memories.

* * *

 

Louis was sat on the jet black couch, his hair wet from what was probably a long shower judging from the pruned fingers clasped together as his elbows rested in his knees. Mercy hesitated at his stance, at the stare he was giving the table as if it owned all the answers in the universe, but in the end she decided to screw it and sat down next to him, somehow pushing him back and folding her body into his so that his arms came around her shoulders and her arms were wrapped around his t-shirt clad chest. 

"I'm sorry for not knowing what to say," Louis said the words into her hair and Mercy realised that this boy was really only six years older than her, that it had only been a year or two since he'd been having to 'adult' and she wasn't helping him by adding so much to his plate.

"You don't have to say anything." It was like she was telling him a secret, and Mercy wondered if Louis realisesd just how much she trusts him by the fact that she was willingly so close to him, "Words are overrated, anyways." 

__

* * *

 

 

 

 

Louis:

_Cut to the fall out_

_When the silence stole our words_

Mercy had fallen asleep on him, no warning. His heart clenched at the tear tracks etched onto her face and he cursed the fact that the song echoing through his headphones was one that made him feel vindicated yet wronged at the same time.

He thought of what she had said, then, as she came out of her room after an hour of torturous sobbing and a phone call to someone Louis felt he had no right knowing about, and he smiled at the irony. Louis knew that the younger girl had a notebook fool of unfinished poems and verses to songs she'd never been brave enough to show.

_I was still fighting_

_For all that you deserved_

Deserved: it was a funny word. Louis didn't know what he deserved, or what he didn't deserve. He knew that his family deserved all the love in the world and he knew that Liam deserved no one doubting him ever again and Zayn deserved someone who understood him and Harry deserved everything Louis could give him and much more. Most of all, he knew that Mercy deserved to live.

_Although it seems likely_

_That I left before the storm_

Louis wouldn't. Leave, that is (he swore to God he wouldn't). Louis wouldn't leave Mercy even if the goddamn mafia decided to dedicate their entire existence to getting to her. He wouldn't leave her because the girl currently asleep on him had experienced too many people who should've been the ones in his place right now do just that.

_The truth is I couldn't_

_Leave you wanting more_

AndLouis definitely wouldn't dare do that either. He would give and give and give all the love and comfort to Merct until she couldn't receive more and that's when he would let himself die, that's when he'd let himself wither.

 

He just had to make sure Mercy realised that she would outlive him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song mentioned is 'Homegrown' by Haux. I don't own it but would definitely say to check it out, it's pretty neat.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated, suggestions and prompts welcome fro this and anything else. Seriously guys, any indication that this is being read goes a long way in my motivation to write. Love y'all.


	10. You Want to Know? (I'll lay myself bare for this)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't- don't say that, Mercy,"
> 
> "What? That I'm dead, or that I'm a disappointment?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my pineapples. Hope you're all having a good day, and getting into the Christmas spirit!
> 
> Take care with this one, please. Has a brief mention of self harm, and also some breakdown kinda things. Guys, take care of yourselves first, always.

When Mercy woke up, the first thing she registered was that it was still dark out and that she was in her room- had Louis carried her or something? The last thing she remembered was being on the couch, and feeling like she would suffocate if she tried to move.

As she turned around so that she lay on her side, Mercy realised that the stars were shining brightly out her window- like they were mocking her and her sadness. She felt tired, too, even though she had fallen asleep while the sun was still out.

_It's probably 'cause I'm sick._

The thought startled her, making her shut her eyes tightly as she forced herself to count to ten and back to make sure no tears escaped. Crying was something Mercy had been doing a lot, and she decided that she needed to change that. 

Checking her phone (that was on her bedside table, right where she had left it) after realising that she wasn't going to fall asleep again, Mercy saw that it was two a.m. She hesitated to herself before standing up, letting the navy blue blanket fall around her as she walked out into the hallway.

Two a.m could mean a few things: an Asleep Louis or a Partying Louis or a Watching A Movie Louis or a plain old Awake Louis. As she stopped outside of his brown oak bedroom door and saw his light was off, Mercy nearly went back to her own room; she didn't want to wake an Asleep Louis. She was scared right now, though, of being alone, and she also knew that Louis would never mind.

So Mercy stepped inside the room, and that meant that she  saw the t-shirt and shoes lying haphazardly across the floor. Her mind went on a spree: cold hands and even colder words envoloping her mind as she remembered the way her father would make her watch as he ' _got ready',_ the way he would leave his clothes in her room and she would be frozen with the knowledge of _why_ the clothes were there in the first place, the way he would scream and hit and punish if she ever forgot t-

"Mercy, Love, is that you?" Louis's voice was laden with sleep, but also loud enough that Mercy whipped her head up suddenly enough that he pushed himself up to get a better look at her, "Mercy? You alright?" 

"No," She felt something break inside of her as she said that, and Mercy decided that it was okay to be broken if it meant that she wouldn't be weighed down by the knowledge of her feelings alone.

"C'mere. I was awake anyways," Although Louis' words were probably a lie, she listened to him anyways.

Careful not to trip over anything, Mercy walked over to Louis's bed and sat down cross-legged at it's end. He said nothing, just sat up a little straighter and pulled the blanket up from where it lay half on the floor so she could drape it across her legs.

_Just ask, girl. Just ask._

Mercy listened to the voice ringing in her head, and she ventured first, "What kind?"

She saw Louis swallow, and then, "Leaukemia,"

"So, what? Chemotherapy?"

"... Yeah. Gotta get you looked at again by the doc, first."

"...Okay."

"Okay."

They stared at eachother for a moment, acceptance and denial clashing in gray eyes and blue, until something struck the girl. She looked down, letting her hair fan her face as she thought over whether or not the question was worth asking.

"Is- is my dad gonna know about this?" It was.

"I'm not entirely sure, Merc," Louis sounded surprised, most probably at the fact she had brought him up willingly.

"Okay," A five second pause, "I don't want to go back to him."

"Hey, you're not going to, alright? I promise you, and you know I keep my promises." When Louis spoke his voice had an edge to it, and Mercy nearly shrank back before realising that  _it wasn't directed at her._ The anger that Louis held was all for her father.

"I'm sorry,"

"Don't be sorry for saying what you want or don't want. Don't you  _ever_ say sorry for that."

Mercy and Louis stayed like that for a while then, pretending that they both understood and accepted what was going on. They stayed silent until birds started chirping outside the house, carefully disturbing the reverie they both had been put into and causing Louis to lift his head from where it had been staring at nowhere, turning to look at the girl in front of him.

When he said the words, he sounded nothing like the nineteen year old pop star he was meant to be and everything like the boy who called his mother every night without fail, "I think... I think you need to talk to someone,"

She stared, and stared, until, "You want me to see a shrink?"

"Don't say it like that, as if it's a bad thing- you've been through some shit, love, and I know there are some things you don't feel comfortable talking about with people you know."

"I'm talking about it," Mercy sounded slightly petulant as she said the words, but there was a waver in them.

Naturally, Louis noticed, "Are you? Mercy, you can't even _mention_  your father without tearing up- not that it's your fault- and you need to let whatever's in you go. Why can't you let me try and help you?"

"Because you're acting as if everything's sorted out, Louis!" Mercy raised her voice, and Louis suddenly realised that he had never gotten into an argument with her before.

He wondered if that was going to change.

"You're acting as if everything's- as if everything's good. You're acting as if I'm not the reason we're letting down thousands of fans because we had to cancel shows _because of me!_ You're acting as if this, me staying with you, isn't temporary and I won't be going back home! You're acting like I'm not gonna die, even though I might as well already be!" Her words flew out like daggers aiming to wound, and her voice grew louder with every syllable. Fears and darkness and everything she felt that she had tried to keep hidden? Mercy let it out.

Louis faltered in the face of her fire, mind reeling at how fast things had escalated, "Don't- don't say that, Mercy."

"What? That I'm dead, or that I'm a disappointment?" Mercy stood up, her hands gesticulating as she let her tongue loose, "That's rich, Lou, when you were the one telling me to talk a minute ago. You wanna hear about it, don't you? You wanna hear about what he did, how he did it? You wanna hear about how I was _six years old_ the first time I wondered what the word 'whore' meant? You wanna hear about how my first kiss was from a man over two decades older than me while my mom sat downstairs in a pile of bottles and pills? You wanna hear about how the first time I let the shower burn my skin was when the man who was supposed to protect me, the man who was supposed to sing me to sleep and ground me when I didn't obey curfew, decided that I was old enough to lose my fucking vir-"

"Shut up! Shut up, okay? And watch your language," Louis stood as well. It was a sudden movement that- combined with the volume of his voice- had Mercy stumbling back a few steps, her voice cutting off in the middle of her sentence.

Immediately, Louis widened his eyes and took a step back himself, shock evident in his voice as he pleaded, "Shit, Mercy, I'm sorry. That was- I didn't mean to- I would _never._ "

Mercy breathed loudly for a moment, her breath shaky as backed away to the door haltingly.  She whispered, then, "You are _not_ my father; don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do."

She left the room.

 

 

* * *

_7.54 AM._

As Mercy opened her eyes for the second time that day (although this time she was on the living room couch), she groaned after checking the time. Realistically, she knew that the only reason she had woken up an hour after she had dozed off an hour ago was because of The Thing with her and Louis (yes, capitalised in her head). She also knew that she didn't want to speak to him for as long as she could help it.

As Mercy swung her legs over the couch and felt her emotions threaten to overwhelm her, a voice spoke, causing her to jump and simultaneously relax as she realised who it was.

"You okay, pet?" Nial was stood there, white t-shirt and black jeans covered in what seemed to be flour as he stared at her curiously.

Mercy ignored that, standing up and hugging him.

The Irishman gently pushed her back, looking into her eyes, "Your eyes are red, you been crying?" 

"Niall. You're here. Why are you- how are you here? Louis's asleep, right? How'd you get in?" Mercy ignored his question, as was to be expected, and deflected with a few of her own.

"Well, uh. Harry has a spare key, right? So me and him and Liam and Zayn- the others are in the kitchen, by the way- are baking you a cake 'cause... 'Cause." Niall smiled sheepishly, a little timid and a little proud as well. 

"So, you know." It was a statement, the way Mercy said it.

"Doesn't change anything, you're still Mercy, but yeah." Niall nodded, "Lou told us when he found out."

Hesitantly, Mercy spoke, "I- he- We had a fight. A big one."

Immedietly, Niall's eyes grew sharper while his tone grew softer, "This argument, it happen last night?"

"More like an hour and a half ago,"

"Did Louis say anything, Mercy?"

"But so did I," She surprised herself, when Mercy said that. Although her mind was clouded with something not quite hatred but more like severe dislike for Louis (and, although she would never admit it, a small amount of fear), she realised that she didn't want other's to blame him when it was her actions that started his words.

"You're not the adult here, though." Hearing those words come from Niall was ironic, since he was probably the most childish of all the boys (yet, somehow, at the same time immensely mature).

The fact that this was the only time the age difference between the band was acknowledged in such a way sobered Mercy up, as well, "He's just- He wants me to want to talk but he doesn't get that I know he doesn't want to listen, even if he thinks he wants to listen. And he also doesn't get that, if I don't want to talk, then it makes me uncomfortable when he brings talking up and that makes me mad, and the fact that I'm mad makes me say things I shouldn't say which, in turn, makes me feel horrible," She paused for a breath,  "If he's the 'adult' here, then shouldn't he get that?"

Niall pulled her in again, letting his arms sandwich her as he breathed words into her hair, "Hey, I'll talk to him, yeah? We all can- band meeting. Just remember this, though: I don't care whoever says it, but you are  _never_  are allowed to do anything you don't _want_  to do, okay? That is the word of the Irish King Niall Horan," and his arms tightened slightly with every word.

"Ireland doesn't have a King, Ni."

"It's all down to semantics, Mercy- Potato, po-tah-to."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Ten, Ladies and Gentlemen and People. I hope you guys enjoyed it, and maybe leave a comment to let me know what you thought? I would really, really like to know your thoughts so far, if that's not too much trouble?
> 
> By the way, I'm sorry for the late update. I've been having some problems at school and it's been all over the place, but hopefully my next update will be quicker.
> 
> Stay happy and stay smiling, guys,  
> -K.


	11. Paint Her with Lamb's Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She wanted- she needed someone to be strong, so she didn't think it was all over."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my lovely pineapples. I'm so sorry for the delay, but personal issues and exams and stuff got in the way of me posting.
> 
> I tried something slightly different today, so let me know whether or not you want more like this!
> 
> I hope you enjoy, loves.

_**24 hours from before we left off.** _

_**Bradford** _

_**A nondescript flat, spray painted on the inside.** _

_**Zayn-** _

****"She's- Louis said- Jesus Christ, I can't,"

Liam was stood up, The Dark Night Rises paused on the tv screen as Zayn and the others stared at him. His hands shook despite being clenched into fists and Zayn wondered what was wrong, wondered if the call was about an update on Mercy's Dad or an update on Mercy's life.

That's why the other three boys (Harry, Liam and Niall) were gathered at Zayn's in the first place, everyone too keyed up and anxious about whether or not the police would find sufficient evidence to lock the scumbag, Peter, up. Also, of course, there was the Hospital visit no one had predicted that played like a broken tape inside every boys' head.

Zayn stood up too. He kicked off the knitted blanket resting lightly on his folded legs and walked straight up to Liam and put a hand on his shoulder, gently pushing him back down in an empty armchair, all too aware of the two sets of eyes staring intently from the couch.

"Liam, listen, mate, you're gonna have to stay calm, yeah?" Zayn's words were steady, but when Liam looked up and he noticed the younger boy's eyes were glossy he nearly ran away with 'ABORT-MISSION-ABORT-MISSION' running in his head like a siren, but Liam recovered quickly.

He blinked multiple times, breathing loudly through his nose, and then allowed his hands to wipe at the tears in his eyes, "Okay, yeah."

Harry spoke, "What did Lou say?"

Liam hesitated, and by this point Zayn could see the curses folding themselves at the top of Niall's tongue, ready to demand Liam hurry up, when the truth spilled out. 

"She's got- She's got Leaukemia, boys."

* * *

 

**_2 Months Later._ **

**_Oxford._ **

**_BBC STUDIOS_ **

**_LOUNGE ROOM INTERVIEW_ **

**_Zayn-_ **

"I think, like, in that moment, it felt... Silent? Like, not that there wasn't anyone any noise- 'cause there was, we were all sobbing and I'm pretty sure Niall threw a plate and Harry had an asthma attack and Liam just kept saying it over and over while I didn't know what the f- what the heck to do- but it was silent in the way you don't really register it?"

"It was fuzzy and numb," The interviewer, Lara, nodded along, "Is that what you're getting at, Zayn?"

"Yeah, I guess. Fuzzy and numb,"

Lara leaned forward, shuffling the sheets of paper noisily in her lap, "And Mercy? This is a life changing illness, what did you feel when you found out the news?"

Zayn turned to his left, where the sixth member sat on the arm of the couch. Her leather-clad arms lay lightly crossed on her slightly swinging legs, and her hands fiddled with the hem of her forest green skirt; she was nervous. He reached a hand out, effectively stopping the fiddling and giving her something to anchor herself with while also raising a single eyebrow at her, a silent question of _'want me to take over?'_ Being met with a slight squeeze and _'no, thanks.'_

"I think, mostly, I was... Scared, for myself," She glanced to him, to their hands, and back up to the rest of the four boys sat besides Zayn, "But when it sunk in, I was also very afraid of what the boys would think, how they'd react, y'know? I needed them to be okay, so I could be okay myself."

"Did you think you would no longer be allowed in the band?"

Zayn opened his mouth to speak, aware of the effort and courage it must have already taken Mercy to answer the first question, but was cut off by Niall.

"I don't think she was afraid of that at all, were you, pet? I think, especially when you're- as she was then- thirteen and have just gotten out of an...unsafe environment," Everyone in the room flinched, but Niall carried on, all too aware they weren't meant to draw attention to Peter, "That you just need a little assurance. I think what Mercy meant was that she wanted to see  whether we'd be completely pessimistic about it, or whether we'd keep hope. She wanted- she needed someone to be strong so she didn't think it was all over, and I think we didn't do a half bad job of staying positive, if I say so myself."

"Yeah, exactly! There was just a big part of me that wouldn't have had the will to get up and go anywhere if these boys hadn't been as supportive and positive as they were," Mercy stood up, her calm demeanour switching into something mischievous and playful in the way only a fourteen-year-old could, "Lemme swap places with you, Zee, because Niall is my official thought-translator and new best friend," 

When the swap had successfully taken place and Zayn had offered his obligatory _"Hey! I thought I was your best friend,"_ , Zayn glanced around and saw that almost everyone in the room was staring at Mercy with a level of fondness that would put the way Harry and Louis looked at eachother to shame. His heart clenched involuntarily, all too-aware that this was something he might never have gotten, something he might not have. His mind nearly continued to wander before someone spoke.

"But, also," it was Louis, and Zayn wasn't surprised to find that his eyes were downcast, his body language sombre- Louis was, in a way, the biggest witness to what Mercy had endured so far, and he had called Zayn up quite a few times just to babble nonsense and vent because he didn't know what to do, "I think it's important to note that none of us would have been able to keep going if Mercy, herself, hadn't kept and didn't continue to keep so much hope and strength inside of her,"

Liam nodded, his "Yeah, I think that's something people forget, often," getting drowned by Harry's battle cry as he grabbed Mercy and pulled her down onto the carpeted studio floor, trapping her against his body and laying a soft kiss to her hair and muttering a "So bloody proud, Merc, you could kick me in the face and I'd still be proud," that had everyone in the room laugh with surprise. Their laughs turned awkward and wilted out soon, though, when all the other boys scrambled to join the impromptu 'cuddle-pile' (as deemed by Harry Edward Styles on many occasions), everyone well aware of one thing.

The boys were being careful with Mercy, not squeezing the hug too hard or letting her topple over.

She bruised quite easily these days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I say this all the time, but I'm sorry. I know it's slightly evil of me to leave it like this, but I like the suspense. Also, this chapter and some events in it was something that was much needed, I think. 
> 
> I love all y'all, okay? Thank you so much for sticking by me through this journey, and I promise I'll try my best to not have such a gap between updates next time! 
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave some kudos, or a comment. If you want, you can even check out this Pinterest board I'm always adding to for this fic-
> 
> https://pin.it/xc7o5y2u6nsxbz


	12. Sugar calls for Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that was pathetic, Mercy thought; pathetic of her to let herself slip; pathetic of her to let someone as bright and untainted as Michael peak inside and see her rips and tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m a liar, a lying liar. I know I promised quicker updates somewhere, but I got caught up in secondary school exams and choosing my GCSE’s (which is really anxiety-inducing btw, wouldn’t recommend it) and I didn’t post on here. Sorry, please forgive me and accept my peace offering?
> 
> I strongly advise you read the tags, although one of the tamer chapters, safety and health is first.

“I shouldn’t have yelled, Mercy. I’m sorry.”

The kitchen was empty save for her and Louis, a sweet, sugary smell of cake that was too deceptive wafting in the air. When he’d come out of his room - freshly showered with hair still wet, yet still managing to look like he aged five years in a few hours- Louis had taken one look at her bloodshot eyes and sent the other boys (not questioning yet why they were there) into the living room to choose a movie.

 _‘I think this is something they need to figure out on their own,’_ was what Zayn had said in response to Niall’s apprehension, ‘ _We can have a team meeting later.’_

In response to his words, all of Mercy’s 5’3 self wanted to say Louis didn’t have anything to be sorry for, but that would be a lie.

However, as ironic as it seemed, Mercy didn’t do lies.

She shifted her legs under herself on the jet black chair, let her chin come down to rest on her folded arms on the oak table top so she didn’t have to look at his blue eyes, and said, “I’m scared, and I didn’t wanna do it ‘cause I don’t know how to talk to people... or trust them.”

Louis bit his lip, eyebrows furrowing in confusion before he realised what she was talking about, “Therapists, Counsellors, _Shrinks_ \- whatever you want to call them, they’re under contract. Can’t say anything to anyone unless they believe you’re in danger. And, Mercy, I’m not asking you to sign up for a months sessions straight away, I’m asking that you give one a try,” he sighed, voice both pleading and resigned.

“Do you know who I was talking to on the phone?” Mercy’s change of topic was blatantly obvious, but Louis just took it in stride.

“No, just that it was a friend?”

He said the words while placing a mug of her preferred raspberry and apple tea in front of her, and she wondered when during their talk Louis had gotten up to make it. Realising it didn’t matter, Mercy just nodded in thanks, and her mouth took a moment to quirk up in a grateful smile at the way he leant against the kitchen counter, giving her his full attention.

“Michael- Mike- was like... everything, I guess. I’ve known him since I was seven and I moved schools, and he was in the year above me so I remember thinking he was the coolest thing,” She was aware of her eyes sparkling at the memory, and for a second Mercy was afraid that Louis saw it for the something more that it was.

He just inclined his head, urging her to continue.

“I was alone at lunch my second day there, and he called me to play soccer- _football_ , as he quite passionately insisted- with him and his friends. We hung out all the time and we’ve been best friends since then,”

Louis’ voice sounded soft and fond, but there was also a little bit of hurt masked in it that Mercy noticed immediately, “You’re close, then? Don’t think you’ve mentioned him before.”

“It’s not like that, Louis. We- I started... Just before auditioning for _The X Factor_ , my father found a text I sent him,” Mercy paused, breathed, and let her hand be held when Louis came to sit across from her again.

“It said _‘So you wanna run away and get married in the sunset_?’ and it was a _joke_ , Louis, I swore it was a _joke_ but he didn’t get it and I was too afraid to talk to Michael again after- after.”

Louis opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to it, “We had a promise to always call the other when we were hurting and, even though I hadn’t spoken to him in a year, that’s why I called him again. And he knew, Louis. He said he’d known all along about dad even when I never said anything.”

And that was pathetic, Mercy thought; pathetic of her to let herself slip; pathetic of her to let someone as bright and untainted as Michael peak inside and see her rips and tears; pathetic of her to feel angry he had never done anything with the knowledge that he found out, that the two year age difference didn’t really make him her protector, that he was just as susceptible to not knowing what she wanted as anyone else.

“I’m so sorry,” Paper edges caught on Louis’ apology, words dripping with despair, “I know I seem to keep repeating this, but I’m sorry I didn’t notice soone-“

“I didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad, I told you this ‘cause I wanted to show you how I couldn’t tell a guy I’d known for six years what was going on, so I don’t know how I could talk to a stranger about it,” Mercy said the words desperately, leaning forward and asking Louis to understand- to hear her.

She didn’t know that Louis saw her fear.

“I’m not going to push you, love. Just think about it, please?” Louis raised an eyebrow, ignoring the way his own eyes sparkled with unshed tears, and Mercy nodded.

“Thank you. Now, what do you say we take this probably burnt cake and join our apartment-crashers?”

* * *

  
Of course, The Dark Night Rises was on. The boys lay in various positions across the room (Niall leaning against the couch, where Liam and Zayn sat, and Harry on the single ‘Grandma Seat’). Niall, predictably, immediately stood to grab the plate of spice cake balanced on Louis’ hands and the knives, forks, and plates on Mercy’s.

No one kept Niall from food.

Harry shifted as well, scooting over to make room and turning a smile towards them, although one more subdued than usual, “Hey, love of my life.”

  
“Oh, Harry, but it is the east, and you are the sun!” His words were clearly meant for Louis, but Mercy responded to them (dramatically) anyways, dropping to her knees with a hand clutching her chest.

“Arise, fair sun, and kill the moon! For it is already... something.” She dragged the last word out with an embarrassed smile, the words _“I’m not the drama kid!”_ Spilling out indignantly.

“No, the ‘drama kid’ is Louis standing next to you. Who, and I hate to break this to you Mercy, is actually the one I was referring to,” Harry’s smile had grown, and it stretched out into a full blown grin when Louis walked and sat down right next to him, accepting the plate Niall thrust into his hand and kissing Harry.

They kept it short, as they always did with others in the room, but this time it was shorter than normal. A peck, chaste and innocent and careful. They were clearly aware of their audience, of what Mercy had gone through.

She didn’t know whether to feel guilty or glad.

“Come sit down, babes,” Zayn’s voice broke through her thoughts, “It’d be awfully pointless if you stayed there in the corner the whole time,” Mercy smiled, and she went and sat down next to Niall.

Someone started the movie, and although filled with flying bits of cake and horrible puns, it was good. For a while, Mercy felt okay. For a while, Mercy felt like she wasn’t dying. For a while, Mercy felt safe... until she heard the hushed whispers behind her, previously unintelligible when her head had been buried in Niall’s shoulder.

Louis and Harry were talking about a Doctor’s appointment and a trial, and the memory hit her like a slap when she’d dropped a plate.

_“She’s probably burning, you know? Burning in fire, in your mistakes and in your stupid fucking songs. Your mother’s probably burning and, when you leave- because I promise you that you will, hun- you’re gonna burn in all of that too.”_

Her father hadn’t been drunk when he said that. And he hadn’t been drunk later, either, when he’d pulled her to the kitchen after school and made her cook dinner she didn’t know how to make, when he’d made her throw out her share when she’d gotten it wrong, made her write down a list of everything she’d leant from his ‘lessons’ so he could figure out what do next, made her-

“Merc?” Liam’s voice startled her, and when she jerked her head up behind her she realised that it was quiet and the end credits were rolling. Weariness filled her, and she shut her eyes and leant her head back so that they hit Harry’s legs.

Zayn shut off the tv screen and Niall grabbed her hand.

“Louis? I think, maybe- like- I could talk to someone.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THIS, I OFFER AS A SACRIFUCE FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.
> 
> Good, bad, or nah? Anything particular you wanna see? Lemme know your thoughts, pineapples. Need to know someone’s still reading ;)
> 
> I hope to get back on top of things, now, by updating my other fic as well. And also, maybe delve into a bit of Malec Fromm shadowhunters? As always, prompts are welcome for any fandom I know.
> 
> Have a lovely day, loves, and see you on the flip side.


	13. Authors Note

Hello, my pineapples.

I want to start off by saying thank you for sticking by me. I’ve been horrible at updates and my writing sometimes doesn’t seem consistent and I know that, but I’m learning and you guys are still here and I could never be more grateful.

Mercy Bled Onto Us is quite literally my little baby. I had Merc’s whole journey planned out, and I feel like I actually KNOW her, as if she were a real person. The cancer, however, was going to play a big part in her journey, and I’m not sure if I can go on with that.

A few months back, I lost my Grandma to cancer. I kept updating, because I thought I was okay, but I haven’t been doing that great lately. I don’t know what it is- maybe I was repressing my feelings, maybe it’s actively writing about it, now- but I don’t feel as if I can write this story right now and be 100% okay and involved.

I always tell y’all health comes first, and I’m not a hypocrite so I’m gonna try and take that into account.

I’m not, by any means, abandoning this fic- at least not that I know of. If anyone would like to continue it then I’d be willing to consider letting you if you asked first, but right now I’m just putting this on hiatus. I’ll be back for it.

This, by any means, does not mean I won’t be posting otherwise. I’m still writing and continuing my other fics, but I’m just not writing THIS fic.

I’m sorry if I’ve upset any of you or frustrated you guys, and thank you so much for supporting me.

Cas xxx

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as me thinking what it would be like if I, or any other girl, was in one One Direction, but my mind kind of ran away from me. This has some real life experiences, but it kinda just grew on its own, really. Just take care when reading, please? Always.
> 
> Also, questions or anything, just ask :)


End file.
